Snapping turtles are like regular turtles that were raped repeatedly throughout their entire lives and ended up as cracked out bag ladies, that carry around rusty knives and use them too much.
Yesterday as much of a trancendentalist experience as you can have at the Somerset club. It was followed by chilling on a stoop, too much coffee, and finally being awake until 4 in the A.M. thinking my entire body was going to fail me or that the snapping turtle was going to come back to bite my throat out.
Anywho, there have been a lot of rumors floating around about me lately, so I will lay them to rest in order of which ones starting to circulate first.
- Over the summer I did kill a man using only my penis.
- I did not ever record a Christmas album with Alvin and the Chipmunks.
- I did not do a backflip upon exiting the womb and having my umbilical chord cut.
- My favorite smell is water.
- I did once eat so much yogurt that my tears were a green paste, and so was my urine.
- I really can't construct a good joke without including my penis or something else sex related or disgusting.
- I did not get shot in the back of the neck by a stray cannon ball, but I did once run into a sliding glass door thinking it was open.
- I once contracted lyme disease from drinking bad gatorade.
- I do sometimes run out of ideas.
-
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
i love that list. i legitimately lol'ed.
i'm really glad you were there on saturday,
it was quite the experience :]
tell duffer i say hello!
Post a Comment