I have to write a personal narrative for english class, and must have a rough edition of this finished before 7:00. If everything goes according to planned, I can go to Chinatown and make my hipster dick grow a healthy four centimeters by seeing the Dirty Projectors and writing an article on it for the Collegian (who hopefully will not burn me as badly this time in the editing process if I tone down the "not really boring" parts).

Either way, this assignment raises an important question: What narrative-worthy things have happened to me? Let's take a look. Things that have happened to me:

- Birth. It was probably pretty exciting, but maybe not.
- Bee sting in the eye. Incredibly painful, not helped at all by mom's baking soda concoction (which would have helped if it hadn't needed to be applied to my eye, causing further pain). Still doesn't sound very good.
- Mike Kelly running up the hill with a snapping turtle trying to kill him. This one is a serious candidate, although I may have to write an abridged version that would not have the full effect.
- Peed off the golden gate bridge in a dream once.
- Made a total sissy of myself countless times.

Well shit, it looks like I will have to make something up.



Skype spambots are directing a carpet-bombing raid on my computer. I'm not sure how to stop this.

So, a month or two ago I strapped myself into one of those machines they sometimes have in pharmacies and grocery stores that measures blood pressure. I was a good twenty BPMs above everyone else (kind of like Slayer), which concerned me. Today I decided to get semi-professional advice on it from the school nurse, and apparently somewhere between family history, caffeine, cigarettes, and whathaveyou I am at risk for high blood pressure and cardiovascular complications later in life. My blood pressure is already above average for someone my age.

I'm so young, and I'm having brushes with mortality!

Should I call up the Make A Wish foundation now? Do you think Gilbert Godfrey would let me watch him eat yogurt in a hot tub for six hours?